Wednesday, August 29, 2012

My Revelation


I feel like I’ve always been a bigger girl.  Maybe not always fat, but never “thin.”  In fact, I remember competing in a singing competition as a 13 year old, and on the sheet of judge’s remarks, I read “You are a healthy, corn-fed girl.”  Who the hell says that to a 13 year old girl?  He meant that I looked chubby.  Or at least I took it that way.
Now, hear me out.  I’ve always thought I was beautiful. I have always been pretty full of myself (sorry, but it’s the truth!).  I dated plenty of boys in junior high and high school and college.  I have felt sexy since I understood what it meant.  I am happy with myself. I think I’m pretty, smart, funny, but I never felt skinny or healthy.
When I got into a relationship in college (that eventually led to a happy marriage), I got comfortable.  We ate out a lot. I baked him goodies (and helped eat them).  I gained weight.  My 5’3’’ frame ballooned to 209 after our first year of marriage.  I got a reality check when I went for a routine doctor’s appointment and she recommended we check my sugar.  It was borderline diabetic.  Hello, wake up call.
I started losing weight.  I joined a weight loss center that put me on a very strict diet (and looking back, I think it was unhealthy, so I won’t promote the center by name). I lost about 40 pounds, but was so burnt out from the strictness of it all.  My eating habits changed, but nothing inside me did.
I quit the center and tried to lose weight on my own. And what I really mean is, I tried to work out enough to be able to eat whatever I wanted. I still went on fast food binges at lunch, ate too many Oreos when my husband wasn’t looking, tried to eat healthy when out with friends (so I wouldn’t be judged when I said I was trying to lose weight).  I did it all.  I gained about 10 pounds back.  Hovering at 180 for about a year.
Then something hit me.  Maybe it was reading Lysa Terkeurst’s book Made to Crave.  Maybe it was being a Zumba instructor and wanting to inspire my students. Maybe it was finally feeling empowered. Maybe it was all those inspirational quotes on my Pinterest fitness board.  I don’t know, but something changed.
I stopped searching for motivation and started depending on determination.  This weight was coming off. I was going to work for it. I was going to (sometimes grumpily) make one good choice at a time.  I wasn’t going to starve myself. I wasn’t going to do anything ridiculous that I had tried before (eating nothing but grapefruit and tuna, taking laxatives after a big meal, etc).  I was going to educate myself and do this the right way.
I read all I could find online. I got books from the library on nutrition. I saw a dietician. I started counting calories and doing more workouts.
I haven’t done anything that inspirational.  I have lost an additional 15 pounds or so since Christmas (yes, I’m a fool who decides to change her life 2 days before Christmas). But I’m down 2 pants sizes and I am headed in the right direction. I calorie count and work out 5-6 days a week. I have days where I overeat, where I don’t feel like working out, where I feel like a failure. But I don’t give up.
My revelation is that I’m worth it. I’m worth the hard work, the sacrifice, the struggle. My happiness is not in a number on the scale, but in the pride I take in myself. And I’m totally full of myself. :)
This is me at my heaviest - 209.


And this is me now at 167 - heading to 150
















So join me.  Kick motivation out the door.  Get some determination.  You are worth it, you just have to believe in yourself.
A little about me: I’m Brittney.  I’m a 25 year old wifey (married about 2.5 years) living in Arkansas.  I am a doggie mom who is utterly afraid of birthing a child someday. I am a corporate copywriter for a national moving company. I teach Zumba (6 classes a week) on the side, and for my sanity. I blog about my life, Zumba, weight loss, my dog, and our crazy country life at Razorback Britt. Follow me there or on Twitter. Hit me up, yo.

5 comments:

  1. Brittney, thanks again for guest posting! I really related to your post - specifically - when you state that your eating habits changed but nothing inside of you did. It's all about that ahh ha moment! I am so glad you had yours! Here's to you and your new healthy lifestyle. You look amazing BTW. ~ Jen J.

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  2. THIS!!!!! - "I stopped searching for motivation and started depending on determination." I love that and it's why I try to tell people all the time when they're looking for 'motivation'... motivation is a choice you make every single day... aka DETERMINATION! You nailed it girl... congrats on your journey so far!

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  3. Love your story!! ..determination is right :)

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  4. "My revelation is that I’m worth it."

    You have no idea how hard it is to get to this. It is awesome you have realized that and are sharing it with the world. Each and every one of us is worth it!

    You are doing awesome!

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  5. Oh.my.gosh. Thanks for posting about your weight loss journey. When I read the line "I stopped searching for motivation and started depending on determination", I saw the light bulb go off.. That was exactly what I needed.

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