Friday, October 5, 2012

How Being Fat Ruined My Life. // Jamie M.

Well, that’s a little melodramatic and not entirely true but it got your attention, didn’t it?

Like many people, I remember being overweight for a good portion of my life and even when I wasn’t overweight; I had people telling me I was. Age 6, I specifically remember asking my grandpa for another soda. He told me my grandmother was worried about my weight and no, I could not have another pop. Keep in mind at this time, I was NOT fat but I sure as hell remembered it and boy, do comments like that mess with your head. I feel bad saying this because my grandma is one of the people that I am closest to in the world but she is also one of the key people who made me feel bad about myself. My father is adopted so I am not “blood” related to her. She has been skinny her entire life and simply does not understand. I have tried telling her this hurts to no avail.

Fast forward from age 6 to age 12, I am now in middle school and maybe 20 pounds overweight. I eat like crap everyday but I participate in sports so that keeps the chub at bay (partially). I run track (badly) and take part in volleyball. I am not very good at either sport and do not get much encouragement from the coaches so I do not try very hard. I know I wouldn’t have been an Olympic athlete but it would’ve been nice to hear something positive.

Now, I am in high school. Still slightly overweight. But again, I participate in sports and join a gym when I turn 16. I drive myself to the gym often. I get down into the 150s which for my height is what I believe to be a good weight for me (5’6”). I start my first job at a grocery store just around the time I get to this awesome weight and so that does not last. I start eating like crap again and for some reason, start working an insane amount of hours even though I don’t really “need” the money.

I continue to work at the grocery store all through the rest of high school. I try to take part in soccer but I have no endurance because I don’t really work out anymore so the coaches aren’t big fans of me. I am the fat girl on the team but I WANT to be good. I just can’t and I eventually give up.

I graduate from high school and decide to go to school in Omaha (where I was born and raised, should’ve gone away!). I have an older friend that is both a good and bad influence on me. I drink with her (bad) but she is fit so I try to work out and eat right so she doesn’t make me feel so inadequate.

I continue to work at the grocery store as I go to college and I bomb out of college because I am working 50hours a week. Again, why??? I do not know. My parents would’ve helped me but I was trying to be independent.  After a while, I finally get my shit together and go to community college to finish my pre-reqs for nursing school. I quit my job at the grocery store (a very good decision, finally!). I start nursing school and start to work at a local hospital. I try to eat better and workout because amazingly enough, I now have more time. I might be in nursing school but am only working 2/12hrs shifts instead of 40-50hrs a week.  For a while, during this period, I don’t hate my body and am probably in the 180s. Things spiral yet again during nursing school and I am back above 200 when I graduate.

I see the pictures of myself from college graduation and I freak. I gain weight in my face first so I look horrible. I graduate in Dec but do not start my job until Feb so I try work on myself during that time. When I start my new job, I am still trying to take care of myself and things are going to good.

A couple years go by; I get a promotion after being a nurse for 4 years. I balloon up to my fattest ever. I have stopped weighing myself, because who cares??? I have a Christmas party in Dec. 2010 and I see a picture of myself afterwards. I am horrified and I promptly untag myself from the pics on fb. I weigh myself at this time and find that I weigh 225. How have I let this happen over and over and how can I talk to patients about taking care of themselves when I am not doing it for me??? I have finally had enough. January 2011, it is on. I start eating better and working out. I hit a few bumps along the way but I finally don’t give up when I have a bad week. I start over and begin again. I am tired of feeling this way and will succeed this time. Because this time, it feels different. Today, I am 186 and going strong. People are noticing every day, telling me I look great. What have I been doing? My grandmother notices, saying I look good but “not to give up this time” (gee, thanks!).

Anyway, you probably want to know how being fat has ruined my life. It hasn’t really. I have a good job, good friends, and good family. I am 34 and have owned my home (by myself!) for 4 years. But, I have never had a long term relationship with a man and I believe it is mostly because I (sort of) hate my body. It is not as though the opportunities have not been there; I have simply always held people at arm’s length. In the last year and a half, I have dated more and am learning to love myself again. Because how can I expect someone to love me if I feel this way about myself? I have many friends in various stages of relationships and it is often a bone of contention between us. I tell them they do not understand the way I feel and they reply that they were single once. They don’t understand that I am 34 and have not really ever been in a long term relationship and seriously, fear being alone forever. They think I am being dramatic and maybe I am but that doesn’t change how I feel.  

Now, what am I doing about this? Because I really can’t end this on such a horrible note. I am trying new things (running…..a half marathon? Wha?), getting out there and meeting new people. Also, I am realizing that I cannot blame the fact that I haven’t met someone on me being overweight. If it is meant to be, it will happen. I accept my life as it is because it is good. I mean I haven't really ever had something bad happen to me and if being fat for a portion of my life is the worst thing that ever happened to me. I am doing pretty damn good.

December 2010



September 2012 - Yep, I still like my Bud light....Nice, it's in both pictures, lol.



 - Jamie M.


9 comments:

  1. Love this!! You look amazing by the way~

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  2. Uh, nothing like the dreaded photo wake-up call! I think a lot of us have been there. That said, I am so proud of how far you've come! I know it sounds cliche - but love yourself first and then the doors will open for a man to love you too! Thanks for sharing your story!

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  3. So happy for you! We all could love ourselves more, myself definetly! ..great progress Jamie!

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  4. GIRL YOU LOOK FANTASTIC!!!!! Congratulations on your loss and you are absolutely right! Its hard to find love when you can't find it from within. So glad you are feeling good about yourself and the rest will definitely follow!

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  5. You look great! Keep up all the hard work because it's definetly paying off!

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  6. You are doing great!!! Keep it up!!!

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  7. Thanks for sharing. You look so good! Some of those things you wrote about really struck a chord--just know you aren't the only one with a great grandma who has no filter about pointing out overweight grandchildren! :)

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  8. Wow! You've come so far! Congratulations and thanks for sharing!

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  9. Thanks, guys! Feels oddly freeing to say what I said...Now, for the next 35#....good times!

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