My AH HA Moment // Anonymous

Not sure why my AH HA moment has taken me so long but it finally happened today.  Here is the background before the moment.

 On January 1, 2012 my life changed… Looking at it from afar I am going to say for the better.  A few short hours after midnight, my husband confessed his hidden addiction.  Along with the confession he said “I have spent our entire savings!”  I instantly turned around went into our master bedroom and took our sleeping 18month old out of his crib.  I climbed into bed with him and cried myself back to sleep.  

On January 6, 2012, we moved out.  I couldn’t and wouldn’t be able to live with the hurt, the lies and dishonesty.  Just an FYI we are not talking about an alcohol addiction.  We are talking about an illegal one, one where all I can think about is the police tearing down our doors and raiding our home while we sit down to a family dinner.  It was the toughest day of my life.  First of all because just broke my family up, walked away from the man I loved and moved back home with my parents.

My first AH HA moment should have been when he took our wedding picture off the wall and held it 3 inches from my face and said “Look at how fat you were on our wedding day.  I never should have married your lazy a#*.”  But it wasn’t.  I was hurt but I didn’t see it.  People always say that you have to want it for yourself.  I didn’t… Until today.

My coworker and I normally get lunch and bring it back to the office, pizza, bar food (Fried Bologna, curly fries, milk shakes, you get the idea).  Today she is on a clear diet due to having her colonoscopy tomorrow so I went to run a few errands and get some lunch.  What did I choose?  Well, I thought about a kids meal from McDonald’s but instead I chose a #4.  2 cheeseburgers, a large fry and a large SPRITE!  Being the good coworker that I am, I drove back to the office and ate in my car.  I didn’t want her to smell food when she couldn’t eat.  As I inhaled my hot fries (the entire large) and took a couple of swigs of my SPRITE I started looking around to make sure that no one I knew was in the parking lot.  That is when I started to think “Really?  You are eating in your car and you are worried that someone you know is going to see you?”  As I continued to eat my fries I think to myself “wow you are not even hungry.  You could just go back in and get some work done.”  I continue to eat.  Now I am moving on to my first of 2 cheese burgers.  Yummy!  Or at least one would hope.  It wasn’t that good.  It was mushy and cold.  So after I quickly ate that one, I was stuffed.  But it wasn’t that good and I had one more in my bag.  As I start the second one I happen to glance at the rearview mirror.  I actually had tears running down my face.

Why?  Because I am fat, I am sad, I am alone, I am tired and I am finally at rock bottom.    

So here are my stats as of day #1

Age: 31

Height: 5ft even (on a good day but I will never admit to only being 4ft 11in)

Weight: 158

Pant size: I overflow a 12 Petite

Shirt size: XL

Highest Weight my wedding October 3, 2010: 172 (all time highest except when pregnant with my son then I was 182)  

I want to be a hot ex-wife.  I want to feel comfortable in my own skin and more importantly my own clothes.  I don’t want to hide behind someone.  I want to be in the front.  I want to find myself again.  I start that journey with my next meal.  No excuses, just hard work and RESULTS!