Tuesday, October 9, 2012

My AH HA Moment // Anonymous

Not sure why my AH HA moment has taken me so long but it finally happened today.  Here is the background before the moment.
 On January 1, 2012 my life changed… Looking at it from afar I am going to say for the better.  A few short hours after midnight, my husband confessed his hidden addiction.  Along with the confession he said “I have spent our entire savings!”  I instantly turned around went into our master bedroom and took our sleeping 18month old out of his crib.  I climbed into bed with him and cried myself back to sleep.  
On January 6, 2012, we moved out.  I couldn’t and wouldn’t be able to live with the hurt, the lies and dishonesty.  Just an FYI we are not talking about an alcohol addiction.  We are talking about an illegal one, one where all I can think about is the police tearing down our doors and raiding our home while we sit down to a family dinner.  It was the toughest day of my life.  First of all because just broke my family up, walked away from the man I loved and moved back home with my parents.
My first AH HA moment should have been when he took our wedding picture off the wall and held it 3 inches from my face and said “Look at how fat you were on our wedding day.  I never should have married your lazy a#*.”  But it wasn’t.  I was hurt but I didn’t see it.  People always say that you have to want it for yourself.  I didn’t… Until today.
My coworker and I normally get lunch and bring it back to the office, pizza, bar food (Fried Bologna, curly fries, milk shakes, you get the idea).  Today she is on a clear diet due to having her colonoscopy tomorrow so I went to run a few errands and get some lunch.  What did I choose?  Well, I thought about a kids meal from McDonald’s but instead I chose a #4.  2 cheeseburgers, a large fry and a large SPRITE!  Being the good coworker that I am, I drove back to the office and ate in my car.  I didn’t want her to smell food when she couldn’t eat.  As I inhaled my hot fries (the entire large) and took a couple of swigs of my SPRITE I started looking around to make sure that no one I knew was in the parking lot.  That is when I started to think “Really?  You are eating in your car and you are worried that someone you know is going to see you?”  As I continued to eat my fries I think to myself “wow you are not even hungry.  You could just go back in and get some work done.”  I continue to eat.  Now I am moving on to my first of 2 cheese burgers.  Yummy!  Or at least one would hope.  It wasn’t that good.  It was mushy and cold.  So after I quickly ate that one, I was stuffed.  But it wasn’t that good and I had one more in my bag.  As I start the second one I happen to glance at the rearview mirror.  I actually had tears running down my face.
Why?  Because I am fat, I am sad, I am alone, I am tired and I am finally at rock bottom.    
So here are my stats as of day #1
Age: 31
Height: 5ft even (on a good day but I will never admit to only being 4ft 11in)
Weight: 158
Pant size: I overflow a 12 Petite
Shirt size: XL
Highest Weight my wedding October 3, 2010: 172 (all time highest except when pregnant with my son then I was 182)  
I want to be a hot ex-wife.  I want to feel comfortable in my own skin and more importantly my own clothes.  I don’t want to hide behind someone.  I want to be in the front.  I want to find myself again.  I start that journey with my next meal.  No excuses, just hard work and RESULTS!

15 comments:

  1. Girl, you can do this. I am so sorry that all of that happened to you. It is true that you deserve more than how he treated you and how you have been treating yourself. Just know that Mama L's Fit Camp is behind you and you can reach out whenever you need support!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am so sorry! But power to YOU for standing up and leaving!! Some meals and some days are harder than others but you are worth it to yourself and your little child deserves it- keep that in the front of your .mind! We are here when you need advice, encouragement and when you need to vent :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. You go girl! You have a found a great support group of women who are cheering you on! Even if you feel alone, log on to the interwebs and know we're all in this together! I will be praying for you, that you have peace and comfort and get to your goal of a hottie! I don't even know you but I care about you!!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ouch, my heart hurts for you in regards to your ex! :( You can totally get to your goal and you have sooo many wonderful ladies supporting you, me included! You've got this! :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. life only makes you stronger and good for you for protecting your child! You got this and we all are behind you!

    ReplyDelete
  6. You got this girl! We're all behind you rooting you on 100%! It's hard, there are days you're not gonna want to do it...but you will, because THIS TIME, it's for you! Xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  7. Wow. Your story had ME in tears. We're behind you and hope that you can lean on all of us for support when you need it. You've got this!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hot ex-wife is the best feeling ever (I know that's ugly and conceited and all that bad stuff) but really just feeling better about yourself than you ever have is a feeling that will come with time and work! You got this girl!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Obviously, I don't know you, but I'm so proud of you for writing these words. Keep a journal - it's therapeutic. This is a Wonderful group of people who are nothing but supportive, encouraging and uplifting. I wish I would have recognized that I wanted to change at 158lbs, versus 210! You can do this -- and if/when you don't think you can, or don't think you want to, turn to these ladies. <3

    ReplyDelete
  10. It will feel great to be the HOT ex-wife!! Take control and push through this battle!! Before you know it, you will see change and feel so good!!!! When you look in the mirror you will feel good about yourself and be one SEXY BEAST!!! ;) We are all here to root for you and your journey!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  11. You CAN do this. You've made the decision to make some changes..each day you will make good choices that will bring you down that path to getting healthy & happy..don't ever give up..it feels amazing :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. Girl, you made me tear up. You are strong, and I am so proud of you. Make him regret that day he stuck that photo in your face. So rooting for you!

    ReplyDelete
  13. I'm so.impressed with your strength. You can do this and you WILL be the hot ex-wife. Keep your head up and do what you have to for yourself and your son. Good luck!!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Thank you for sharing this. So raw and honest and I can't wait to cheer you on towards your goal!!

    Good luck!
    Ang

    ReplyDelete
  15. I'll be rooting for you and praying for you! I just started my "day 1" three days ago. I'll be right there with you! I'm sorry it had to happen under your circumstances, but you know what? You will get through this and from what I've seen around here, you have a great group for support!

    ReplyDelete

Pin It button on image hover