Friday, October 26, 2012

My Journey. // Anonymous

I was a really cute average size kid, maybe a little heavier than some kids but not overweight. I remember feeling fat in elementary school and crying to my Mama because I had been picked on, I still remember her saying “you’re not fat, you’re just healthy.” She was right, but I was too young to understand. I was very active, sports and playing outside. I wasn’t allowed to sit in front of the T.V. or computer all day. But, our eating habits could have been better. Mama cooked and boy did she cook good, fried everything, and potatoes with every meal…YUM, my comfort foods. We didn’t eat out very often, I remember getting happy meals, and blizzards from Dairy Queen but those were only treats.

Any who, here comes puberty, and I put on some pounds, my parents divorced, and we (mom and sister) moved. I was away from my friends and living with much older cousins, I was constantly being bullied, so I ate. I remember being 140 pounds at 13. I was an active kid though, I even made cheerleading. That summer I started making myself throw up. Not binging and purging, starving myself and then throwing up anything I consumed. I lost 30 pounds just that summer. I felt good; I was one of the “skinny” girls. I remember riding the 4 wheeler with my younger sister and telling her to hold on because I was about to jump a hill and her replying that I had nothing to hold onto. It made me feel good. I liked being skinny.

I started high school and got a new best friend that also had the same eating disorder that I had. We shared 00 jeans our freshman year. I had been dating my boyfriend for almost a year when he found out about me making myself throw up. He (smartly) told my mama who threatened to send me to a rehab clinic. I was embarrassed and didn’t want anyone to know. Of course when I started eating without purging I gained weight, probably around 15 pounds.

10th grade. I was active in sports, cheerleading, softball, and taking a weight training class. I gained a little more weight. At this point as was probably between 115 and 120 and wearing a size 4 pant, which is healthy for 5’4. Life was normal…well as normal as life for a 15-16 year old can be.

11th grade. My same bulimic friend best friend started socially using cocaine, so what do I do? I start using too, my using turns into an addiction. I lost weight, back down to a 00. I knew I wasn’t healthy and when I was sober I felt like crap. I literally ate nothing. I don’t know how I survived that year of my life. My mom got a new boyfriend and we moved 2 ½ hours away. That didn’t stop me from getting my drugs. I was out of control. PERIOD! The same boyfriend (now just a friend) that told on me for my eating disorder talked me into getting sober. I did it without rehab. How, I don’t know. Life sucked big time right now. I was so skinny and sick. It took me a while to start gaining weight.

Senior year, size 2 not healthy at all. Didn’t eat much. I remember eating nothing for breakfast or lunch. I was forced at my school to get a plate of food if we didn’t bring anything from home. I gave my food away to the guys at my table. I guess around Christmas I started eating normally again, but I wasn’t exercising at all, so I started gaining. When I graduated I was about 125-130 and in a size 4 but fast approaching a size 6.

I got a gym membership and started working out. I hadn’t started losing weight when I noticed a bad faint feeling. I realized that my resting heart rate was much higher than normal. About 120. I started having anxiety issues which triggered upset stomach all the time. I lost more weight. After a series of many tests, my cardiologist was finally able to figure out my heart problem, I was diagnosed with Mitral Valve Prolapse and was prescribed a beta blocker. I was so scared; I cut out all sugar, salt, and caffeine. I lost more weight.

2007 is the summer that my life got happy. I met the guy that would become my husband. He constantly told me how beautiful I was. He loved me for who I was (&who I am). We partied though, drinking & clubbing into the wee hours of the morning. I noticed some weight gain, but it didn’t bother me. He never said anything. You know the saying, “when you get happy, you get fat” well that’s what happened. In 2009 when he proposed I was a size 8 and 150 pounds. We stopped partying and started hanging around the house. Insert wedding showers and insert a new dress size and 10 more pounds.

After our wedding I was determined to lose weight and get healthy, something that I had honestly never truly been. 6 months later I got pregnant.

I didn’t gain a lot of weight, I was 171 when I delivered on 5/22/11, but that was after terrible morning sickness my entire pregnancy. I lost about 20 pounds before I even left the hospital. I was nursing and losing more weight. I think I was about 145 when I stopped nursing 2 weeks postpartum. I had to have a c-section so I wasn’t allowed to do exercise. Weight started creeping back up. I started walking and doing Jillian, but quit many times.

Fast forward to today. I am 24, 151 pounds, probably healthier than I have ever been. I wear a size 8 and I make healthier choices. I have body image issues, but I have a husband that tries to make those disappear. I thank God every single day for blessing me with him. My goal weight is 125. My main goal is to be healthy and I know I am getting healthier every single day. I never want my daughter to feel the way that I have felt. I want to show her how to be healthy. I want to be a hot, healthy mommy and wife.

2 comments:

  1. I am proud of you for finding wellness! And the good news is your daughter does not have to know an ounce of your past. She will only know you has the happy and healthy you. It's like you got a complete do over!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm in the same boat exactly only I'm nowhere near my goal. I have this way of putting myself and all that's good for me last in line. When the going gets tough my health just doesn't matter and THAT has to change!

    ReplyDelete

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