Monday, December 10, 2012

Here I am, Rock you like a Hurricane. // Erika W.

You down with B.D.D, yea, you know me… I’m down with B.D.D…. yep that’s me. WTH is B.D.D you ask? It’s Body Dysmorphic Disorder. It means that you see yourself differently than how you really appear. So when I look in the mirror, I see Shamu standing on its fluke.


Yep, Shamu. That’s me- at 218. I don’t see what other’s see at 160 lbs. And that is a problem.


I have a problem, which leads me to another problem, and that problem has led me to have a bigger problem . Oh, speaking of problems… here’s another one. GAD. General Anxiety Disorder. Yep.. That’s me too. I worry about everything that I have no control over. It consumes me, and sometimes depresses me, and sometimes it drives me.

I am completely random, yet I am pretty efficient. I have a 1,000 thoughts or ideas going on in my brain at any given time, and I want to talk about them, or do them all at once. Throughout the course of a day, I write about 5 different lists of things I need to do, or want to do, or people I want to smack and why. While I am an ambitious person, I feel like my dreams are as sporadic as I am, and that my friends, results in this: I will forever be a “fat kid”. Nothing in my life has ever been easy, but I am a very blessed person. I grew up in a small town, with two parents who stayed married through it ALL, and an older brother. My parents really did their BEST to give my brother and me everything. Though not completely their fault, they may or may not have led me to being a food whore, more specifically a SUGARY, SWEET, AND MELT IN YOUR MOUTH (twss) food whore. My father was the Tasty Cake King, and my Mother was the Countess of Candy. You can read more about it and my beginning of my weight loss journey on my blog at The Cupcake Diaries.

At any rate, I loved to eat, but I didn’t think it was a problem. I still don’t . My problem is relationships- and control. More specifically in relationships- I didn’t how to handle my feelings, or how to process the good, the bad, the ugly. Food helped me process everything- mainly Ice cream, and chocolate, and preferably together. I was happy- I ate. I was sad- I ate. I was scared- I ate. I was angry, I ate. I didn’t realize it then, but I am an emotional eater. I know that now, so I can avoid falling into that trap, but I am still weak. That weakness has been with me for a long time. For as long as I can remember, I have always had low self-esteem and low self-worth. I have an “other person” focus. So, basically, I was too busy pleasing other people that I never looked at what I was doing to myself, or how to make myself happy. I let myself go because I didn’t know better. I ate like I was taught, loved selflessly, like I was taught, and worked hard, like I was taught.

Fortunately for me, those things I was taught, are coming in handy now. I’m still a people pleasing fool, and I still seek other’s approval, but now I am driven to find “my happiness”. I look to the scale… and when that pisses me off.. .I look to food. Then I feel guilty and I hit balls to the walls at the gym, and count calories, for a day meal. It’s a never ending cycle. I can’t seem to find that happiness yet, so I am being a little bipolar about it all, and going to both extremes. While I am at a healthy weight, I want the number lower. I want the puss-gut gone, and I don’t want my stomach to look like I wrestled a tiger. Yes, I am hard on myself. I was taught that too. I was trained to set high expectations, and meet them. Once I met the expectations, I celebrated by eating food, and I set an even higher goal. See the never ending cycle, which triggers the GAD, and BDD, and makes me EEIS (eat everything in sight).

And now, you are wondering WTF is this woman REALLY talking about? Ladies, I’m talking about the struggles WE ALL have in our head. We are our own worst enemies. We are harder on ourselves than Channing Tatum would be if he were on us!!! Sometimes that inner critic is necessary to push you a step further than you think you can go. Sometimes that inner critic is necessary to remind you HOW STRONG you are. Sometimes that inner critic can GO TO HELL, while you eat ice cream.

I may not weigh what I ultimately want to weigh, but at the same time.. I’m ok with that. My stretch marks are a symbol of the SIGNIFICANT amount of weight I lost. It is proof that I had my skin stretched out like Shamu, but that Shamu shrunk to Flipper. My puss-gut… used to be size 18, and now is size 8. My number on the scale used to be “obese” and now I am a “healthy weight.”


I am random. I have BDD. I have GAD. I am an ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic) and really WGAF (figure that one out—he he). I am currently not trying to lose more weight. I’m maintaining, and enjoying it. I work out and sweat like Richard Simmons at least 4 days a week. My husball and I are currently trying to conceive little one # 2 so this little handsome devil can be a big brother. Since we are now in active mating season, I am allowing my husband to be hard on me *wink *wink*. Point of this story- Set small goals, so when you surpass them, you can have your cake, eat it too, and go climb Mt . Everest.

//Erika W.  


9 comments:

  1. I feel your pain. I have lost 35 lbs so far and I can't tell a difference AT ALL when I look in the mirror... I can tell when I look at pictures but that's it. :(

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  2. Wow, I feel like you are in my head. That's the same cycle and feelings I have. This is the first time I've not let that cycle own me, but I'm owning it and the results are amazing, more emotionally than anything. Good luck TTC.

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  3. With being an emotional eater myself and always putting everyone else first all the time, this really spoke to me! Thanks for posting!!

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  4. You should write a book, because you just summarized the mental battle all women have, ALL THE TIME. Congrats on your amazing success.

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  5. You are too funny! ... Awesome job on all your weighloss, and have fun baby-making!

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  6. Thanks for keeping it real while making me laugh! You've done great with the weight loss and the struggles and I'm sure the mating will go as planned with baby #2. GL! and have fun!

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  7. What a great post. I think a lot of ladies can relate to the Body Dysmorphic Disorder. You look great!

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  8. Very well put! Love your blog too.

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  9. Hi Erika, i would like to tell you that you have really inspired me and put my hopes high, as a 22 year old girl, i have been struggling with my weight (obesity actually) till today. im almost 86 kgs (172 pounds) and 157 ft tall (i guess). But after reading what you have written, you gave me hope and inspiration that i will also be losing half of what i weigh now. Keep up the good work! :)

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