Saturday, December 6, 2014

Day 13 - I am a pussy.

Be cool, girl, be cool.  repeat.  When did I become such a pussy?

I've done some major things in my life.  I moved to Pittsburgh without even scoping the city out.  I literally drove up on a Sunday, got myself a hotel room, and started a new job on Monday.  I spent six months in Iraq.  Dare I toot my own horn and say I could go on?  Because I could.

But never have I ever experienced anxiety like I am now.  Never ever.  Chest pains, hives, and a crippling knot in my back. 

Up until this point I've been bound and determine to keep my cool with all this baby making stuff.  I've said it a million times before, Tower and I will be happy either way.  In fact, I wish I was younger so we could enjoy this newlywed thing a little longer.  I want to go on an African Safari and get an Volvo C70 convertible.  I wouldn't mind a Burberry scarf either.

On the other hand, I realize how lucky we are to be able to pursue the IVF route.  We are also blessed in the sense that we have no glaring issues between us so we have no reason to doubt that we will eventually become parents.

So I don't know what it is - but egg retrieval day has me in a mother fucking tizzy!

Suddenly, besides being a materialistic brat, I realize I really want this.  Desire mixed with a dash of faux hormones and unanswerable questions is gut wrenching.  I am barely functional.  Paralyzed. 

A big fear is how in the world does this dang trigger shot work.  You inject it and magically, 36 hours later you are at the brink of ovulation and ready for retrieval.  What if I arrive tomorrow and it's too late; I've already ovulated.  It's just so much faith and trust in something I can't even comprehend the science behind.  I am powerless, out of control and scared.  Not to mention there is a hell of a lot of money riding on my ovaries.

I am digging deep and the show must go on.  Maybe not everyone can see it but there is something beautiful about being a pussy.  Isn't it amazing that my future holy terrors are already loved and wanted this BIG?   I can't even imagine what it is like to see them for the first time.  I proudly look forward to the day that I will be able to tell them, mommy loved you so much, she was willing to be a pussy for you.

- nineteen eighty

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