Saturday, December 20, 2014

Day 30 - The end (for now).

I have a confession to make.  My blog posts were not in real time; they were actually delayed by four days so when Tower and I found out, we would have time to digest the results before sharing them.  We now know, that this cycle was unsuccessful.  This is why I've skipped posting the past couple days.  I had more I wanted to say - more material to cover - but it all seems pointless now.

To say the least I am to say the least, I am devastated.  Mainly, it's hard to comprehend with no glaring fertility issues why two perfect embryos didn't make it.  I want answers, but I know I won't get them.  When the nurse called with the results, she told me to immediately stop taking the progesterone and that I should get my period.  I am also to call and schedule an appointment for another nurse's talk, where we will discuss the game plan going forward.  We briefly discussed over the phone that I will skip this cycle, and next cycle we will try to do a frozen embryo transfer with our two embryos on ice.  I am happy that we have two to work with, but also nervous because these two were not "Cadillac" embryos like two implanted this time.  And they also have to survive the thaw process.

The one thing that this news has reminded me is that  I married a good man.  And for that I am already blessed leaps and bounds.  Tower immediately left work after learning the news.  I was unaware he was headed home  and was completely embarrassed when he found me fat girl consoling myself with Chinese takeout.  He just held me and we talked about it - he told me he was sad too.  We only had a couple hours to compose ourselves because we then had my work Christmas party to get fucking jolly for.  Life goes on.

So that's it - for now anyways.  There will be more to this journey.  But for now, I just need a couple days to cry this one out.  Then maybe I'll get to the topics I wanted to discuss and the lead up to next cycle.  Then again, to be honest, I don't know if I will keep up with this blog or not.

I do look forward to getting my body back to it's normal operating level.  The second thing I did after telling Tower was schedule a boot camp class.  I need to shake off these six pounds I've gained through the process (the hormones really contribute to weight gain, never mind the holidays). 

I've been absolutely touched by the support many of you have extended.  Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

-nineteen eighty & tower

10 comments:

  1. I am so so sorry for your loss.

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  2. My thoughts are with you. So sorry for your loss.

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  3. oh jen :( my heart literally hearts for you. I am so sorry! .. tower is a good man for reacting like that though. ((hugs))

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  4. I'm sorry. I don't have any words of consolation, but I am thinking of you & wishing you peace.

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  5. I am so sorry honey. I know how hard it is to have all your hopes stolen from you in a moment. I know it won't help now but maybe later it truly all makes sense in reverse. It's cliche and it's what nobody wants to believe but it's what time has taught me. I wish I could give you a great big hug. I'm thinking of you sweet girl.

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  6. So sorry :( Hang in there and take all the time you need!

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  7. I'm so sorry to hear this! I had all my fingers crossed for you guys! I'm so glad that you two have each other in this. It's so hard to go through all of this, but I'm sure it helps that you guys are rock solid and can lean on each other!

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  8. I am so sorry. I hope you are able to find some peace over the holidays, and that if you choose to do it again that it works out for you guys. Thinking about you and sending good thoughts your way.

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