Monday, December 15, 2014

Day(s) 20, 21, 22 - Struggling.

Three days post transfer:  the blastocyst begins to hatch out of its cell

Four days post transfer:  the blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus

Five days post transfer:  the blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation

I still feel like I am having period cramps. 

Despite having a really nice weekend, I am struggling mentally.  With the cost of all this, the last thing I should be doing is spending money.  But my sister and I went for a spa day on Saturday and that night we did a casino night for Tower's birthday.  A group of us headed out to the casino buffet and then ended the night at the roulette table.  It felt so good to get dressed up and head out for a night on the town. 

If you unfortunately ever have a friend that is going through something like this, the best thing you can offer them is to spend time with them.  Distracting them with non-kid/baby activities.  Saturday night was the best thing for me.

Sunday was a whole different story.  I had nothing to do and my mind started to wander and I turned to the interwebs.  I ended up having a breakdown and crying into Tower's chest.  Gals, I don't really know how to explain it, but I just don't feel like I am going to have a positive outcome.  Tower listens of course, and is supportive, but he is so annoyingly relaxed about the whole thing.

Me: If this doesn't work, it's going to be my fault because the embryos were perfect going in.
Tower:  It is no bodies fault, if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen.  We try again.

Me: This is so much pressure; having spent so much money.
Tower:  At least we can afford to do it.
Me:  True, but we can't afford to do it forever.

Me:  I don't know if I can go through all those injections and appointments again.
Tower: We will get through it.
Me:  We.  Phish, you fucking cried bloody murder when I showed you a needle.  Plus, you have no idea what it's like to surrender your body to all those foreign hormones.  It's horrible.  And I've gained 6 pounds!!

Me:  Plus!  My top three stress-freeing vices aren't available to me.  No coffee, vodka, or exercise.  I have no outlets.  I have nothing!  We haven't even had sex!
Tower:  Do you want me to give up Starbucks?
Me:  No - because you will hate your 1hour and 20 minute commute even more.

At least for Tower, everything seems so simple.  In my mind it is not.  It is constant.  I am so thankful for my fertility discussing texting buddies Clare St. Clair and Curly-Q (both of which I've connected with through social media) who give me that extra sympathy I don't get from Tower.  Honestly, lesbians are on to something.  I am well aware that my statements to Tower were not all that rational - but, hell, that's just one other thing women understand.  There are just certain times, such as anything dealing with the reproductive system, when we are granted, "get out of being rational free" cards.  

Am I right?

Never underestimate the power of a good girlfriend.  After all, I truly believe - it takes a village.

-nineteen eighty


  1. this will sound bad, but I am hopeful for you to have more cramps, achy boobs, high temps and eventually the I will hurl just at the thought of a cheerio...those are all good signs!!
    Hang in there lady, fertility work BLOWS. There are many of us out there that can sympathize, and shudder at our own memories of torture we had to deal with given by medical and oh yes our very selves....
    But here's to hoping the taken over by an alien for the next 9 months occurs. From a momma that dealt with a lengthy f'd up roller-coaster, that lead to very dark corners and twists after her twins were born....but what knocks us down, will make up stronger. Trust the process <3

  2. I am with you. I am going crazy over here also!! Just know that you are not alone and you are not crazy!! This process sucks! There is so much riding on it and the outcome is unknown. It is just fucked up. I hope that this works for you!!

  3. There is nothing rational about any of this process. Honestly, if it helps, I think a lot of women feel like it is solely on THEM if they do or don't get pregnant. I definitely felt that way. It's a lot of pressure. I say let yourself go crazy though, it does nothing for you if you keep it all in.

  4. Oh gosh Cory is the same way! He thinks it will happen and I just need to be patient, I wish I could feel that way.


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