Saturday, January 24, 2015

Day 69 - Elsa & Olaf.

It's been about a month since Tower and I learned the news that our first fresh IVF cycle was unsuccessful.  It was devastating news and it took a few days to recover.  The sadness was exacerbated by the fact that Tower flew out the very next morning for a week.  I felt like I was left alone to grieve.  That was not the fault of him, he'd been optimistic that it would work and it was really naive and poor planning on both of our parts.

I am proud to say that I back to myself emotionally.  I can look back and now say: wow, that was tough - but I got through it.  And if it happens again, I know I'll bounce back.  The truth is over the past month I've enjoyed the fertility timeout and getting back to feeling ME!  A break from the hormones and back to the gym and vodka!

But the fun can't last forever - we're on a mission here and it's time to get our eyes back on the prize.  

Tower and I recently returned to the fertility clinic to learn what we do next.  All I knew walking into those doors was that we were going to go back for our two frozen embryos.  In the spirit of all things Frozen, I've decided to dub them Elsa & Olaf.  Beyond that - I hadn't a clue.  For some reason, I didn't google that shit out of that process, like I had everything else IVF related.

The result of our appointment is good news!  First of all, our 5A embryo divided again before going into the deep freeze and now we have a 6A and an 8B!  Secondly, the cost of a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) is SO much cheaper than a fresh cycle.  The estimate for the FET they is $2,261.  Compared to the $9,637 they quoted us for the fresh cycle; it's a bargain.  Additionally, there are NO injections this cycle so the medications are much cheaper.  For the fresh cycle, we paid $5,183 out of pocket for all the medications.  For the FET all you need is an antibiotic, steroid, and estrogen supplement, all of which I was able to pick up at my grocery store's pharmacy for a whopping $40.  Lastly, there is virtually no monitoring.  Leading up to the FET I will go in for one blood test, one ultrasound and then the transfer.  Three appointments: easy breezy!  I am so elated that it is going to be less financial draining and stressful this time around.  It also brings me hope because now I know if we have to do another fresh cycle, we will be able to finagle it all while knowing that will also hopefully give us a reasonable shot at a fourth round.  #BOGO

Of course there is the risk that our Elsa & Olaf won't survive the thaw, but for the moment, I'm just going to let it GOOOOOOOO!

-nineteen eighty

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Day 30 - The end (for now).

I have a confession to make.  My blog posts were not in real time; they were actually delayed by four days so when Tower and I found out, we would have time to digest the results before sharing them.  We now know, that this cycle was unsuccessful.  This is why I've skipped posting the past couple days.  I had more I wanted to say - more material to cover - but it all seems pointless now.

To say the least I am to say the least, I am devastated.  Mainly, it's hard to comprehend with no glaring fertility issues why two perfect embryos didn't make it.  I want answers, but I know I won't get them.  When the nurse called with the results, she told me to immediately stop taking the progesterone and that I should get my period.  I am also to call and schedule an appointment for another nurse's talk, where we will discuss the game plan going forward.  We briefly discussed over the phone that I will skip this cycle, and next cycle we will try to do a frozen embryo transfer with our two embryos on ice.  I am happy that we have two to work with, but also nervous because these two were not "Cadillac" embryos like two implanted this time.  And they also have to survive the thaw process.

The one thing that this news has reminded me is that  I married a good man.  And for that I am already blessed leaps and bounds.  Tower immediately left work after learning the news.  I was unaware he was headed home  and was completely embarrassed when he found me fat girl consoling myself with Chinese takeout.  He just held me and we talked about it - he told me he was sad too.  We only had a couple hours to compose ourselves because we then had my work Christmas party to get fucking jolly for.  Life goes on.

So that's it - for now anyways.  There will be more to this journey.  But for now, I just need a couple days to cry this one out.  Then maybe I'll get to the topics I wanted to discuss and the lead up to next cycle.  Then again, to be honest, I don't know if I will keep up with this blog or not.

I do look forward to getting my body back to it's normal operating level.  The second thing I did after telling Tower was schedule a boot camp class.  I need to shake off these six pounds I've gained through the process (the hormones really contribute to weight gain, never mind the holidays). 

I've been absolutely touched by the support many of you have extended.  Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

-nineteen eighty & tower

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Day 23 - Pineapple pussy.

Six days post transfer: Implantation continues.

I still feel like I have period cramps.
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Tooooooooot Tooooooooooot!  If you are trying to get knocked-up hop on board the Pineapple Express!  When you are going through this process it is amazing what you will find via google and try.  For example, did you know pineapple allegedly is an aid to embryo implantation?  I just happen to  love pineapple so sure as shit on the day of my embryo transfer I cut myself a fresh one and have been gnawing on it every day since.

Apparently, I am not alone.  Blog commenter Jeanine left me a comment on transfer day suggesting the same and yesterday I got a text from Curly-Q regarding the fruit.

Curly-Q:  I feel crazy admitting to this, but I've been eating a chunk of pineapple core every night.  Have you heard anything about that?  It's supposed to help with implantation.

Me:  It's not crazy!  I did the same thing!!  I bought a fresh pineapple the day of transfer.

Curly-Q: Did you?!  I have my last core chunk tonight!

Me:  I sure did!  Sometimes I put chocolate syrup (and whipped cream and maraschino cherries)  on it to make it like a desert.  I am also keeping my feet warm with cabin socks.  Warm feet equal warm uterus.

This is what crazy ladies trying to make babies talk about.  If I was not trying to procreate and was reading this I would probably vomit in my mouth in annoyance while gurgling, I swear to God, I will never be like them.

If by chance you are still reading but not trying to make a baby - well, I have good news.  Pineapple still might be the fruit for you.  Especially, for those single gals, I still love to live vicariously through.  Rumor has it that pineapple can make your lady lips smell like a fruit bowl.  No shit!  In fact, there was a whole Kardashian episode dedicated to pineapple pussy.  Don't believe me, google that fun fact for yourself.

Now you know.

 - nineteen eighty

Monday, December 15, 2014

Day(s) 20, 21, 22 - Struggling.

Three days post transfer:  the blastocyst begins to hatch out of its cell

Four days post transfer:  the blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus

Five days post transfer:  the blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation

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I still feel like I am having period cramps. 

Despite having a really nice weekend, I am struggling mentally.  With the cost of all this, the last thing I should be doing is spending money.  But my sister and I went for a spa day on Saturday and that night we did a casino night for Tower's birthday.  A group of us headed out to the casino buffet and then ended the night at the roulette table.  It felt so good to get dressed up and head out for a night on the town. 

If you unfortunately ever have a friend that is going through something like this, the best thing you can offer them is to spend time with them.  Distracting them with non-kid/baby activities.  Saturday night was the best thing for me.

Sunday was a whole different story.  I had nothing to do and my mind started to wander and I turned to the interwebs.  I ended up having a breakdown and crying into Tower's chest.  Gals, I don't really know how to explain it, but I just don't feel like I am going to have a positive outcome.  Tower listens of course, and is supportive, but he is so annoyingly relaxed about the whole thing.

Me: If this doesn't work, it's going to be my fault because the embryos were perfect going in.
Tower:  It is no bodies fault, if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen.  We try again.

Me: This is so much pressure; having spent so much money.
Tower:  At least we can afford to do it.
Me:  True, but we can't afford to do it forever.

Me:  I don't know if I can go through all those injections and appointments again.
Tower: We will get through it.
Me:  We.  Phish, you fucking cried bloody murder when I showed you a needle.  Plus, you have no idea what it's like to surrender your body to all those foreign hormones.  It's horrible.  And I've gained 6 pounds!!

Me:  Plus!  My top three stress-freeing vices aren't available to me.  No coffee, vodka, or exercise.  I have no outlets.  I have nothing!  We haven't even had sex!
Tower:  Do you want me to give up Starbucks?
Me:  No - because you will hate your 1hour and 20 minute commute even more.

At least for Tower, everything seems so simple.  In my mind it is not.  It is constant.  I am so thankful for my fertility discussing texting buddies Clare St. Clair and Curly-Q (both of which I've connected with through social media) who give me that extra sympathy I don't get from Tower.  Honestly, lesbians are on to something.  I am well aware that my statements to Tower were not all that rational - but, hell, that's just one other thing women understand.  There are just certain times, such as anything dealing with the reproductive system, when we are granted, "get out of being rational free" cards.  

Am I right?

Never underestimate the power of a good girlfriend.  After all, I truly believe - it takes a village.

-nineteen eighty




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